this is passion

Love or lack thereof

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 03:47:18 GMT

So I'm home. It's nice to be back. I love flying during the day, because then I can see everything underneath me. It's so pretty. Anyway, it's cold back home and I miss my Hopkins friends. But no one's home...other than Greg. So yeah. That's probably why I booked my ticket for an early flight.

I'm so glad the semester's over. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't planned and worked so hard in the beginning, I would have DIED. like...spontaneously combusted. Next semester is going to be just as hard, if not harder. I'm not looking forward to it.

So, I thought I'd be able to figure out this boy issue. I would have liked to have a more definite answer by the time I came home. I almost feel like the issue is more prominent and ambiguous now. Because, as I was telling Steph last night, I can't compare the two situations. Ugh. I can't say anymore because I don't want anyone else to know who I'm talking about. But it's not who you think it is. lol.

Yeah. I missed him a lot today. I was really surprised.

Tomorrow I'm going to DECORATE our tree! and build a gingerbread house and watch a movie and chill with my daddy 'cause my mom and sis are going out. And then I'm going to read and write and it will be a deliciously artistic day. Actually I'll probably end up sleeping really late, playing the piano, and lampin' around. But I like having a plan.

I should have listened

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 12:24:20 GMT

I don't know what to do with you anymore. I feel like writing you a letter, but I don't even know what to say. Obviously this plan didn't work the way I wanted it to. I just wanted some closure so I could say goodbye and not be angry. Instead I feel like we bridged the gap and created more ties that need to be broken. And that makes things harder.

I know I can't get back together with you right now. But at the same time I want to. And this is what I was talking about when I said I have to decide between what I want and what's actually good for me. I think this is good for me. I think I need to reevaluate things and see what I really want before I commit myself to a long-distance relationship. And yes, I think we both need to grow up a little more before we take such a big step. But at the same time it's so easy to just fall back into old patterns.

And every time I want to turn to you, I find that something stops me. I think it's the fact that I know you're not going to be there one day. I'd rather not deal with that disappointment.

I miss what we had. But I don't think circumstances allow for that anymore. Maybe in a little while, after we both figure out what we want. If we still come back to each other, then maybe we'll be ready for it this time. But if not, then we'll know we tried.

I guess relationships need more than just love.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 07:30:00 GMT

Life takes a downward spiral when I can't sleep. And when I'm distraught, I can't sleep. This is a problem.

Something has been bothering me a lot lately. And I know it's stupid, but at the same time it really bothers me. And I don't know why or how to fix this. Therefore, I can do nothing but deal, which hasn't been going so well.

Then Greg and I had a semi-fight. He had a bad night, I'm having a bad night and I can't sleep. I don't know why. I'm just overwhelmed by this stupid little schoolgirl problem that shouldn't even be a problem. It's just that I've never wanted anything that I couldn't get, you know? And I really want this. It's just that it's unattainable, which annoys the hell out of me because it contradicts my belief that anything is possible if you have the will power.

Argh. I hate boys. I hope I get a package tomorrow. That'll make me happy. I am going to the Farmer's Market and the Shobana concert tomorrow night. I hope I can get stuff done and not freak out so much. Ima work on it now. 'Cause this weekend is busy. Maybe I'll skip one of the rush events. I'm skipping all the ones next week. Except for maybe invite only.

Dear ______,
Thanks for making me go crazy.
Love, erica

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 23:01:49 GMT

I had a hallelujah chorus moment today. It was the best part of my entire day.

Oh, to have piercing blue eyes.

lol.

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 22:56:24 GMT

I hate when people forget about me.

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 22:48:24 GMT

I read Harry Potter 5 and 6 this week. I also knit 1/3 of a scarf. I also learned how to do the butterfly stroke. And I got paid. I also drove my sister to the beach for her windsurfing lesson. And I decided on a major, and a minor.

However, I have not seen a sunset this summer. Nor have I read my orgo book, gone to Montauk, or camped on the beach. Argh. Nor have I gone on any photo shoots, and have only been on 1 Port Jeff ice cream run. Where has this summer gone?

I've gotten used to how chill the summer is compared to the school year. I feel lazy. It's okay though. I went on a bike ride the other day and almost threw up. It's been more than 4 years since I've been on a bike. It was pretty embarrassing. I haven't found anyone who wants to play tennis with me, other than Lindsay who is in another state. I still really want to go to Six Flags, but that doesn't seem to be happening soon.

Anyway, I like excitement. I'm getting kind of bored.

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 02:55:01 GMT

Convention was SO much fun. We were running around from Thursday until Sunday, but it was amazing. I think it brought us a lot closer together, which is pretty sweet. We had the most amazing banquet/dance/formal thing ever. There were basically no guys and I don't think I've ever had as much fun. I can't remember the last time I've danced so much. And now I'm home.

I don't know what I'm majoring in. I'm considering a double with a possible minor. I don't know if I can do it. I kind of feel like I lost myself sometime during last year. It's weird because the things I loved doing don't interest me anymore. It's like I've had to redefine myself all over again. And normally that's okay, but it seems like I've had to redefine everything I thought I was. And that is a little taxing.

I haven't written in so long that I've forgotten what it's like. I tried painting the other day, but it just wasn't satisfying. I haven't been able to read. I really can't stop worrying about hopkins-related stuff. It's driving me nuts and I need to pull myself back together before summer's over. Otherwise I'm just not going to make it next year. And that scares me a bit. That scares me a lot actually.

I think my worrying about things makes it worse. But how can I not worry about it? How can I just sit back and be okay with not feeling like myself? iunno what's going on. I think that if I could just feel like myself then I'd be okay. If I felt like I wasn't defined by my major or who I'm dating or what my summer plans are then maybe I'd be okay. I think I need to lock myself into my room and not come out for a while.

...just thinking.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 02:22:46 GMT

It's funny how the people I thought I would definitely keep in contact with are the ones who I don't talk to anymore. The irony. I guess I just overestimated those relationships.

I don't know what I need. I think there are certain aspects of my life that reinforce negative traits. And I don't like that, but I'm too lazy to stop it.

What happened to the person I used to be? I used to be creative and I used to have this thirst for knowledge. And I used to dream about what could be. I feel old.

so I suck at updating sometimes

Thu, 31 May 2007 22:53:16 GMT

So I've been working a bit. I do about 12 hours/week, which isn't a lot. I'm looking for another job. Other than that I've been putzing about. I popped by the high school for a GSA meeting. Nolan wasn't there! OMG it was probably the first time I've seen his room closed.

Memorial weekend was good. I did nothing, as usual. I played mahjong with my fam. Enjoyed the beautiful weather. I've been cleaning my room and chauffeuring the munchkin, a.k.a my sister, around. I watched Harry Potter 4 last night and I CANNOT wait until the movie and book come out. I'm SO excited.

I'm also excited for the picnic and camping and canoeing I will be doing at some point this summer. I don't know when it's going to happen, but it will happen. Also I have become slightly addicted to the iLike music thing on Facebook. Mostly because it's one of the few games I'm good at. I faxed my app to Planned Parenthood this afternoon, so hopefully I'll be able to volunteer there or something. I need to read. I picked up my guitar and was playing around, which explains the numbness in my left hand. Also I have funky tanlines. Also I love the summer. And I will update another time when I actually have something to say. ta-ta.

So it's about time for another update

Sun, 13 May 2007 20:08:06 GMT

I'm finally home. It's nice to be back here, though I found that I didn't miss some people I thought I would and I did miss people I didn't think I would. It's interesting to see how people have changed. I think that I've become quieter if anything.

I miss the way things were last summer, but I knew that it'd be different now. I can see why people stay at Hopkins for the summer. I think I might stay next year. Hopefully I'll find a research position. It's funny how things change.

Anyway, I'm home. I'm happy. I sleep and eat a lot. I should call my boss and finalize my work schedule. I need to be on a schedule. I need to have a reason to wake up in the morning, otherwise I sleep until noon and do nothing afterwards.

So I'm going to work a lot. I don't mind. There's not much else to do here. And that's okay.

...she's washed up on his shore...

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:31:18 GMT

+ I ♥ Dispatch
- Studying
+ Study parties at the Hut with my sisters
+ Graduated from APTT...so I'm official now
- Ima miss my small group :(
0 I'm leaving in a week...wow
+ I'm going home soon!
- I'm going to miss all the people I've met
+ April's over. It really was a cruel month.
+ Working this summer. I don't know why I'm excited.
+ I'm hoping to see Patrick again...he was the only reason I kept coming back.
0 I've been toying with the idea of doing PEEPS...it's a sex education program.

Summer To-Do List:
1. Camp on the beach. It's happening...even if I'm camping by myself. It's going to happen.
2. Picnic
3. Canoeing
4. Learning Chinese so people can stop giving me shit about it. kthxbye
5. Making another zine. Yep.
6. Working on my book

I'm going to come up with more things. Possibilities are exciting.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 14:57:19 GMT

I'm listening to Saves the Day.
And thinking about the past three summers.
And how much I miss LI and summer nights and fireflies and writing in my diary and BBQs and candlelight dinners and the beach and being around the people I love.

like DBR and dancing in the rain and being crazy and 16.
or wandering around neighborhoods that aren't mine and hopping fences into parks.
and being crazy and 16.

or being 17 and depressed because I was stuck in a windowless lab all day.
God, that sucked. I don't miss that...at all.

or being 18 and so incredibly happy because it was summer and I had a boy who loved me, whom I loved and amazing friends and sunny weather.
I miss that. There's nothing like love in the summertime.

I'm ready to go home now.

This would be the loop that comes after the corkscrew

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 03:19:06 GMT

If my life were a movie, this would be the scene where I fall to my knees and scream and cry and breakdown. And it would be raining and my hair would fall in strings around my face. And then I would just lie on the ground and let the raindrops fall on me. And then someone would help me up and wrap me in a blanket and take me inside somewhere warm. Hot chocolate would be involved.

But because I don't live in a movie, I'm going to go study as much as I can for my history of modern medicine tomorrow. And I'm going to hope that this breakdown feeling disappears until I have time to deal with it.

I don't know why. I should be happy. I'm just kind of scared, kind of nervous, kind of feeling like an idiot. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not meeting my own standards. Granted, I have impossible expectations of myself, but still. I don't know. We talked about depression at APTT today. It made me think. If I could solve all my problems with a pill, that'd be awesome. I just don't know what to do.

My instinct is to keep trying. I can't give up. I can't give up on something I care about so much. Ohemaa told me that I wasn't stupid for not giving up. She said that you have at least a 50% chance of getting hurt in any relationship. And that if I want this, and if he wants this, then why shouldn't we go for it? I just can't shake the ominous feeling. I don't know. I'm not in a good state of mind. I haven't slept well in a long time. It's just that sometimes I feel like he doesn't care. And I know that's not true. I just get the feeling that I'm unimportant and that he acknowledges me when it's convenient for him. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just need a lot of attention. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to make myself better.

That's the first item on my to-do list. Make myself better. I know what's wrong...I just don't know how to fix it. I'm just struggling. A lot. Flailing my arms around.

love like you've never been hurt.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 01:50:34 GMT

Nowadays I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm pretty apathetic. I think I've become robotic. I think I needed it. There was too much for me to deal with and still be able to function.

There are several people who've been keeping me going. Jon, Ohemaa, Pablo, and Muffin. I've been relying on them so heavily. Virginia and APTT have helped a lot too. We decided to end formal training and chill at Dawn's apartment. She made us cookies. I got a fortune cookie that says, "Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest." One of the lucky numbers was 19.

Spring Fair is fun. Muffin and I walked around this morning and afternoon. Last night Muffin and I walked for quite some time for Relay for Life. Yinfei thought he was my boyfriend. Haha, oh Muffin.

I think I'm okay right now because I have hope. And I don't know if that's the best thing for me, but I'm taking action to ensure I'm in the best possible position to get better. There are still a lot of questions. I don't know if they'll ever get answered. Maybe the answer doesn't exist in a communicable form. Acceptance is a hard thing to learn. But like Ohemaa said, I'm going to come out of this even stronger. I think that hope is one of the few that I have left. So, I'm going to make it happen. Self-fulfilling Prophecy. Chyeah.

ramble ramble ramble

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 23:08:16 GMT

I find that I've been turning to lj more and more. I don't mind. It gives what I have to say a sort of validity.

I'm doing okay. I'm impressed with myself. I feel pretty good, even though this weekend was horrible. It had to be a weekend packed with stuff I had to do. Of course. I can't have a chill semester...something's gotta happen. Anyway, I'm dealing with change pretty well, I think. Better than I expected anyway. I guess I should have more faith in myself. I am capable of amazing things. I'm smart and dedicated and strong and passionate. I think passion is the most important thing someone can have in their life. Because without passion, then what are you doing? What's driving you? Passion gives you direction. I know where I'm going. I know what I'm doing.

Maybe I'm just rambling to make myself feel better. I don't know. I feel okay. I feel like I've gained a new sense of self appreciation. I think it's a consequence of growing up.

And now, as a more mature woman, I have so much to look forward to. Like Ms. Archibald said, "When something big leaves your life, it's only making room for something bigger." I have room for something bigger and better. And I know it will be better, because I have so much to give. And the guy I'm going to find is going to be able to give just as much to me. He'll be worth my time.

When I was talking to Mike and Virginia last night,I realized some things. I had told Virginia that a part of me expects you to fix whatever's going on in your life and go back to being the amazing guy I know you are. And she said I have a big heart for having so much faith in someone who has so little faith in me. And I think she's right. Mike echoed similar sentiment.

With all these amazing people around me, how can I not be a better person than I was in September?

I'm writing pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 16:05:50 GMT

I have to get this out of me. I called Greg last night, and I wasn't in the best state of mind. I talked for 20 minutes straight and just told him everything that I had been thinking about.

I told him that he wasn't the person I fell in love with, that he wasn't as strong as I had thought he was. I told him it was a shame he was throwing away something beautiful for something easy and that it was a pity he would run away so quickly. It's a shame he didn't believe in us anymore. And he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve my love. He took advantage of me, and he lied to me. That is NOT my Greg. That's something an asshole would do. He's not the same guy. Somehow he's turned into a bad person. His morals have changed. He's not my Greg. I don't know who he is, but I do not like this guy. He doesn't deserve my love. I don't think it's too much to ask for a guy who's willing to put in as much into our relationship as I do. I don't think that's too much to ask for at all. And if he's going to first tell me he loves me, and then 12 hours later tell me that there's this girl who he likes because she's been giving him attention and he can't do our relationship anymore...who IS that? That's someone who is running away and taking the easy way out. And I've done all I can to keep us together, but I can't do my part and all of his. He's not worth it.

And yet, it still makes me really sad to think that I've lost this amazing guy. He was my best friend. He meant so much to me. Where is that Greg? Where is the Greg I fell in love with? Is he coming back anytime soon? Why did he leave? I take comfort in knowing that any girl after me will not get that amazing guy, and that he was all mine. I just miss him so much. Where is MY Greg? Where is he? This guy doesn't give a damn about me. He left me dangling, gave me hope, and then just took it away. You don't do that to someone you love. And then, you don't lie to her about your feelings for another girl, who, by the way, introduced herself to me because I caught her blatantly checking him out. That's why I hate girls. And yet, he likes her. Well, you know what? They will never have anything as amazing as what we had. Never, because this person is not as good as my Greg. How can you turn your back on what we have in favor of another girl who's closer? How can you do that? That's thinking with your penis and not with your head, and I know you're going to come to regret it one day.

And I hope you find yourself, because right now you're lost and confused and stressed. And the easy way of dealing with that is running away from it. And after you realize you made a grave mistake, I hope you learn from it. I've done all I can. I hope my Greg comes back. I miss my best friend. I understand that the two battles you're fighting are hard. But I'm fighting the same battles. And I was fighting right beside you. And yet you still abandoned me for something easy. How can you claim to love me and then do that? You're inconsistent, you don't know what you want, you don't even know who you are. I certainly don't know who you are.

I miss my Greg. I miss that guy. He's not here anymore...I want him to come back. I love MY Greg, not this guy. I don't know this guy. I still love my Greg. I still love him very much. And I will always love him because you just don't stop loving someone you've shared so much with. I want THAT Greg to come back. I would take that Greg back. I would. But he's gone gone gone. I'm dreaming with a broken heart and the giving up's the hardest part. But while you're on your hands and knees crawling away from this car-crash of a break-up, I will step out of the flames with poise and strength. I'm not bitter. Yes, I'm very hurt, but at the same time, I've come to a lot of realizations about a lot of things. You forced me to mature and grow in a very short amount of time, but I did it. And I'm better for it.

If, in the future, my Greg were to come back. I would want to have him in my life. But I do not have time for a lying, cowardly person. So find yourself. Find the good person I know you are. Find him for your sake. And then we can be friends. I'm just worried that you don't care. That you'd prefer to settle instead of work for what you want. Because if you still cared the TINIEST bit about me, you wouldn't run away. You wouldn't be like, "I have to go" so you can do something to help ignore what I said and make yourself feel better. You'd realize that I care deeply about you and that I'm willing to help if you let me. But as of now, I have no more respect for you and I do not trust you at all. You lied to me. You treated me like a safety net to fall back on. I do not deserve that. You and I both know I deserve so much more than that. And it hurts because right now you can't give that to me, and I want to believe that the Greg I love is still there. But until he comes back, if he ever does, there's nothing between us. No trust, no faith, no love. I'm saving my love for someone worth it, for someone who doesn't think of it as a "burden." That was the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. And that is why you are not worth my time--you don't appreciate my love. You took it for granted. You took me for granted.

I realized that I still have a lot to say to you. And maybe I always will. There are a lot of things that have gone unresolved, and I am half-tempted to call and tell you what I have to say. But I know that there'll be more. I'll always have something to say to you, because I care. But I'm not going to let myself do that. I'm writing to purge you from my system. Turning to you is like running in a heavy fog. You're not there. You're not there for me, and that is why I am not going to run to you. I'm here, and I'm in a better place. I guess it's inherent in my nature to want to help you, but you're not letting me. And I have to stop trying. Because when you're wiser, you'll realize that I am not a mistake. But for now, you're weak and vulnerable. And as much as I'd like to protect you, but you're not letting me. So I'm not going to. You're on your own. You have to earn my trust and respect back before I let you back into my life. It'd be an even bigger shame if you didn't try, because then you would have given up on something incredible. But I have no control over your actions. I have no claim to you. I have no ties. No trust, no faith, no love. MY Greg was worthy of my love. I don't know you. You're just another stranger to me. I guess that makes us even...since you don't care about me, I can't really care about you because I don't know you.

I'm better for this. I'm stronger, smarter, more mature. I'm a better person now. Thanks for lifting me higher. I'm sorry you're not a better person too, but maybe you will be.

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:53:49 GMT

when lucid dreaming doesn't work
when you're censored for your own good
what's your subconscious telling you?

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part

quit playing games with my heart

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 05:43:09 GMT

+ did better on my stats midterm than I expected to
+ A on chem midterm
+ ice cream sandwich!
+ backstreet boys!
+ chicken fingers at dinner!
+ mountain dew
+ high school musical!
+ Lindsay and I are doing the 10pm-3am shift for relay! yeahh!
+ track shorts??!! hahaha
+ friends <33

today was a good day. For some reason, I've been okay. I mean there are times where I want to break down and cry, but they usually pass. And I guess it doesn't help that I keep listening to certain songs, but I can't help it. I don't know. Virginia is still as amazing as ever. Danielle too...all of APTT, actually. And Lindsay, Steph, and Jon just keep me laughing. I swear, my stomach muscles were going to give out I was laughing so hard.

I'm happy, surprisingly. I see where I was wrong now. I need to have my own life and do things with the amazing friends I've found. And I need to take better care of myself. It's great that I want to do well and I'm willing to push myself, but I need to keep my workaholic in check. Relaxing is necessary...it's not a matter of will power. It's a matter of knowing when you need a mental break. Haha, it's funny that it took me so long to learn how to live on my own. It used to be my parents who wouldn't let me go out, and now it's me. But I realize that I can be happy. And that I wasn't happy because I was pushing myself so hard. No-No would be happy. I'm making that decision of balance.

And I mean, I'm not perfectly happy. But I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be. I'm not saying I like where we stand now, but I think that it was a good decision for the both of us. And I hope you're doing okay, because I just want you to be happy. I'm okay right now. I miss you and I hope that we can work this out. I don't know if you'll see this, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and whatever decision you make, I hope you're happy in the end. No ill-feelings. I love you, please remember that I'd walk through hell for you.

Edit: I feel like every time I think I'm okay, something happens and suddenly I'm not. And I suddenly got very nauseous. And it may be because of the mountain dew. I just, hate to think that I'm being replaced, especially in such a conniving manner. I don't know. It's late, I'm biased. I've been on an emotional roller coaster and I think I'm falling off. I think that if that happened, I would be very upset. Because that's not fair. And I guess all's fair in love and war. So if I happen to turn into a Spartan warrior and spear her fucking ass, so be it. This is SPARTA. haha. Whatever. Breathe. Not "whatever". I care. I care a lot. And that's what makes me crazy. Plus, it's 2am. And I'm a steel-coated marshmallow. I'm a writer. I'm going to bleed. that's what they did back in the old day. my humors are out of balance. I need to bleed and purge. I'm a writer, writer of fictions. I'm going to write pages upon pages.

limbo

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:51:07 GMT

I think I'm going to be okay. Between APTT and DXP I have hit the jackpot with friends and people who care about me. So yesterday, after I realized everyone was gone, I called Virginia. She talked to me and took me off campus, and we went to dinner and I have just never felt so cared about by someone whom I haven't known for very long. It was amazing of her. Steph came along too, which just added to the awesomeness.

Then later that night, we had our DXP Theta line retreat. We went out, which wasn't as fun as I had hoped it would be, but we talked and that was amazing. I fell asleep first. I only had 4 hours of sleep and all I had eaten was half a bagel. So I was going on emotional energy, which thankfully ran out.

I woke up nauseous this morning. I ate something and then felt nauseous. Then at dinner, I ate some more and felt nauseous again. I don't think I should eat anymore. I feel kind of numb. I'm not sure if I'm okay or if I'm just pushing my emotions away. And that scares me...I'd rather deal with it now than think that I'm okay and find out later that I'm not. I don't know.

I don't really know what to think or do, so I'm basically busying myself with work and friends and fun. I think I'm going to be okay.

Edit: I think I lied before. I'm not so sure now. Oh god, I'm not sure at all.

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 23:57:43 GMT

so I don't know what makes me think I have time to update because I have to study for 2 midterms.

anyway, I got the flu. Friday morning I woke up and barely made it out of bed. My shower didn't even wake me up, which was when I realized I should go to Health and Wellness. So I popped over. They told me I had a 102-degree fever and the flu. Damnnnnn. So I headed back to bed, where I stayed the rest of the day. Except for the 3pm appointment that I went to and was stood up for. Then I was really sick on Saturday and got nothing done. I felt a bit better today and studied my ass off because I have 2 midterms that I'm not going to have make-ups for and I can't afford to drop possible chances for better grades. boo.

On a positive note, the best boyfriend in the entire world/galaxy/universe/ever is taking me to a Dispatch concert in July!! I'm SO EXCITED. I didn't even have to lose the imaginary testicle I said I would give up, although he did ask for it lol. silly boy.

so he totally made me happy, even though I was unable to breathe through my nose, swallow, or lie in certain positions. yeah, I am/was really sick. and I hate my professors.

so I'm going to get back to that studying business. I hate college sometimes. This semester was supposed to be really good. And this is the second big thing that has been pretty shitty. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a chill semester. okay, I need an A. study time.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 01:11:37 GMT

I've been on a dispatch kick this week, and I just found out that they're reuniting for 3 shows a bit before my birthday in the city this summer. and I would give my right testicle to see them.

anyway, today was a BEAUTIFUL day. It was in the 70's and so sunny and so gorgeous. I basically ran around all day, except for a 1.5 hour, unexpected break. I'm procrastinating, but I accomplished everything I set to do for today. I just need to study massively for chem and stats.

so I haven't talked to lsdfjlsdf in a while and I kind of miss that. I don't know why.

Next year, I'm living in a 4-single suite. a kitchen, 2 bathrooms, suite lounge, 2-year old building. Oh and we're 10th floor...a.k.a penthouse. lol. I'm completely and utterly exhausted.

I think it's time for me to take a step forward.
I think I've been pushing myself really hard this week. But I feel really good about myself...I'm getting things done. And I'm paving my own road. With a machete.

okay. nap time. laterrr

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:14:06 GMT

so maybe I don't know what I want to major in. Maybe I'm not sure what I want to do. What I do know is that if I didn't want to go to med school, if I knew I didn't want to be a doctor, then I would not have come to hopkins. If I was really unsure about what I wanted to do, then I would not have come here. And then maybe I wouldn't be having these problems. Maybe I wouldn't have been having those problems. Maybe I'd be happier if I could just be a student for the rest of my life. Maybe I don't want to get a job.

I don't think engineering is right for me. I don't want to major in English / Writing sems because those programs look pretty unappealing. Bio, Psych, Public Health are the ones I'm interested in. And no, I can't decide right now. I want an easy path to med school. And by "easy" I mean "laid out, well-detailed, step-by-step".

rawr. I'm really angry. you have no idea.

of all things that I take offense to.

For some reason, Eponine struck a chord with me.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 14:40:09 GMT

Being home has been awesome. This break is much more chill than Thanksgiving/Christmas--probably because not everyone is home. I'm still having a good time though. I love being at home.

I went to the high school with the Catilins yesterday. It was nice. I saw a bunch of old teachers. Apparently, Penumbra went to Columbia for a conference. I was like, "Whaaa? But why didn't we go last year?" Yeah...that would have been awesome. Saw some lovely kiddies. My favorite Asian, my physics buddy, and a few others.

I went shopping on Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. I bought a lot of stuff. My aunt took me to see Les Miserables on Tuesday night. Afterwards we went to Junior's and I saw a kid from my IFP class. It was crazy. I had the worst possible headache. It lasted until I got home on Wednesday.

But things here have been good. I'm relaxing more and sleeping more and it's nice. I have 3 more days to enjoy being at home. This vacation went by too fast. I think I needed it more than I had realized. I get to see Greg tonight. I'm picking him up at the airport and we're going out to dinner. And then who knows?

I'm just happy to be home. It's amazing how much I missed Long Island. And familiar things and bagels and pizza and familiar faces and all the places we've made memories in. It's amazing how much things have changed and how much they haven't. I can't wait until the summer. I know it'll be so different from last summer, and although I'd love to recreate that period, I'm content with just being at home. Okay, I'm done rambling. Back to quantum mechanics...woohoo.

I can breathe now.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 23:54:17 GMT

Greg and I are back together. And that's the way it should be.
I had my last 2 midterms today. Back to back. And I met with my DXP mom and a sister today. 8 left, possibly 10.

I have training tonight. I think tomorrow will be: gym, laundry, breakfast, lunch with another sister, lab, then HOME! YAY! This is the first vacation that I haven't been dying to go home. I mean, I really want to go home but not as badly as last time. I'm planning on sleeping, shopping with my Aunt, play/musical? iunno, studying for chem and stats, park fun, beach, Boyyyyy, and other people I have to see. Oh and I have to learn the greek alphabet? and read Washington Square.

I'm happy. I miss people. I can't wait to go home. I need to buy bras.

List time

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 06:20:29 GMT

Things have been weird.
+ New friend Dave
+ Sorority stuff is fun
- Wayyy too much on my mind lately
- Problems, problems, problems, more problems
+ He's so easy to talk to
- I'm hard to understand
- I feel like I'm slipping
- The concert I've been looking forward to may be difficult to get to/from
+ Really damn cute.
+ I got Mardi Gras beads without flashing anyone
- I'm not sure what I'm doing.
- I definitely know I have no idea as to what I'm doing
- I don't know what I want
- I don't know what I want
- I don't know who I want
- I just can't push myself anymore
- I have a weakness for smiles

I was so happy this morning. I don't know why. Things seemed so manageable. And now, I feel like I'm unraveling. I feel like there's a bubble around me, like I'm disconnected from the world. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'll do if I end up in that situation. I don't trust my own judgement. I don't know if I can rely on myself. I don't want to end up with regrets. But I know that if I don't try this now, I'm never going to let myself forget it. But it's just hurting him. And if things procede, they're going to hurt him too. And I don't like the idea of gambling. I hate knowing that whatever move I make, I'm going to end up hurting someone. It's just that...the distance is getting to me. I'm getting stressed out. All of this shit is just stressing me out so much and I just want to forget it all and just focus on work because I am being pulled in so many different directions. And I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I need sleep.